christmas_evey (christmas_evey) wrote,

Lately I've been thinking more and more about China. This was probably prompted by my yet to be made decision to do honours in Chinese Studies rather than conforming to my conventional path of doing some more maths. It has been heart searching and I have been trying to think what my purpose in life might be. I have been quite happy not to have a purpose but for some reason speaking to my Dad made me feel like I was shallow or frivolous if I just potter about without a purpose. Not that he said that, but he talked about how he knew he wanted to do something that was improving the environment and eventually achieved this goal. Everything he has done from his degree, masters, job at the CSIRO, phd, better job has been fulfilling this goal. Unfortunately I am not religious so if I am to have a purpose I must think of it myself...and I started to wonder if there was any "purpose" behind my interest in China.
Sometimes I think I would much rather be interested in a "nicer" country like...I dunno are there any such places? I don''t know the answer to this, but I know that all too often I am appalled and repelled by the things I read about China. On a surface visit it is easy to be enthusiastic about China, yet to delve into what is going on in this country makes me scared and hopeless. The ideologies, the environmental horrors, the recent history and psychological damage incurred by this, the colonisation of Tibet, Inner Mongolia, The arrogance of the government and the culture in general, these are all things that repell me from China, and yet, in a strangely sadistic way, perhaps they are also things that have drawn my interest in China deeper.
At the moment there are still so many unwritten rules (or maybe they are written I wouldn;t know) about what people are allowed to think and about what they are allowed to think. It might seem like China is modernizing, especially when you go there, central Beijing resembles the future more than it resembles Sydney, even mid western Chongqing's city centre seems amazingly modern and more global than any place in Australia. Yet the thinking in China is not modern, the government policies are not modern, look at the plight of the disabled in China who can't even access mainstream universities (and we are talking about minor disabilities like missing one arm). Small " L" liberalism might be paractised economically, but not politically in China.
Is there anything I can really do? Do I really preceive myself trying to do anything? I feel compassionate but yet I am not sure if I could actually mobilise myself to devote my life to trying to improve the plight of China. Is is really my role anyway? I'm not Chinese afterall, but what do national boundaries have to do with humanity?I don't even know where to start...but learning is certainly a start...

Procrastination, have been bumming away most of day...I have to write a presentation on Hong Lou Meng. I am comparing Daoist and Confucian interpretations of sexuality. It's really interesting. Both are philosophies I would like to learn about in more depth, if I am going to even attempt to understand China. While western thinking is basically traced back to the greeks, much of Chinese thinking has (at least I am not sure how the last century has changed things) Confucianism to answer for. Actually I would say Confucianism is closer to Christianity in its respective place in society...But that is a mere uninvestigated hypothesis.

Josh Pyke Lyrics:
it makes me sad to feel
the need to live my life
at such a great speed
and I would lay you down
and we'd watch the clouds
 roll over skies we wouldn't

But instead there's flowers in the yard
of someone else's house
I won't look in
those windows
and what we say today may
not always carry water well,
but before I refuse, to leap from vessels
before they've even set sail
don't aim for the horizon
it's only an illusion
leading you back
where you started from
And there's not time to fuck around
for too long

And this could come undone
but only a fool enters agreements thinking they were wrong
So I would lay
you down
and we'd watch the
stars come out
and blur our eyes
at the distance

4/5/07 7:30 NEW CD: My Favourite thing!!!
4/5/07 9:00 Teasing Alex on the phone until he begs me to tell him what I bought: My favourite thing!! :)
4/5/07 11:00 Reruns of Chaser, my favourite thing!  (
last nights was paricularly hilarious when baby Chas got into aquarium and other places for free!
5/5/07 Fresh Sourdough bread: My Favourite Thing!!!

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